Whisky Galore

June 2019

It was to be the trip of dreams (and drams) and, if we ignore the journey home, it was pretty wonderful.

A couple of years ago four friends went to Champagne (by car, so no report here) for a tasting and gastronomic journey into the world of bubbles. It was brilliant. We had a great guide for our tour and a happy day of chance discoveries when left to our own devices. The resolve to do it all again was strong from the start and after wondering whether to return to France and perhaps Bordeaux or Burgundy, we decided to indulge on of our other shared passions; Scotch Whisky.

I was left to research options, come up with an itinerary and then make the necessary arrangements. The advantage Champagne has over Scotland, on this instance at least, is that it is much more compact - we could not, in any reasonable amount of time, be expected to cover the whole gamut of whisky production in the same way as we could méthode champenoise in France so we would have to be much more selective. The other problem would be getting about; three of us could drive but none of us wanted to. The answer was to avail ourselves of a driver/guide for a couple of days to drive us around adding 'local colour' where appropriate. After many hours pouring over maps of Scotland, maps of distilleries and researching those whiskies we might prefer to visit, we settled on establishing a base in Fort William because it was convenient both for several Highland Distilleries and Speyside, and because it would enable us to take advantage of the opportunity to enjoy two of the world's "must do" rail journeys - the Caledonian Sleeper and the Jacobite Express.

And so it is, in late June, the four of us board a noon train at Fratton (of course).

Day One 

We cross town from Waterloo to Euston, leave our luggage at, appropriately, Left Luggage and tube it down to Soho because when one embarks on such a trip, it's best to start as you mean to go on. In that spirit I thought the best thing to do to really get us 'in the mood' was a private tasting at Milroy's whisky bar in Greek Street, and what an inspired idea that turned out to be. We booked a 3pm tasting of premium examples from each of Scotland's five whisky regions. We got a thorough outline of the basics of whisky production from our very knowledgeable host and a dram of some very fine malts, finishing with an astonishing Octomore, just the thing to set us up nicely for our journey.

With further astonishing foresight I had booked a table for dinner a few doors down at 10 Greek Street but after the tasting we had a little time to kill so a restorative coffee at Tintico across the street was very welcome. Only I noticed Burn Gorman at the next table reading a script and because I'm not one to disturb people just because they're a bit famous, it was quite funny to point out his presence to the others once he'd left. After coffee we had just enough time to buy a ridiculous/beautiful shirt at Zegerman's before our dinner at a very hipster but equally high quality restaurant at Number 10. That left plenty of time after dinner to take the Underground back to Euston, retrieve our luggage and wait in the crowded hall for the board to confirm the platform for the sleeper north.

When we booked, the website was all about the new rolling stock and how wonderful it would be compared with the tired old stock. As we approached the barrier it was clear that the new stock was not yet in operation on the Fort William route at least. A woman with a clipboard stood in place of the not-yet-operational electronic ticket barrier, who was keen to underline the fact that they were 'very short staffed' on the train tonight and could we get our breakfast orders done within 30 minutes of departure. Hmm. Anyway, we found our cabins and even though they seemed a little more cramped than those on European night trains we had used before, we settled in. The lounge was full, and restricted to first class passengers, while the kiosk/bar was very late opening due to the aforementioned staff shortages. By this time we had tired of the idea of a night cap and settled on sleep.

Any grumbles about the train the previous night disappeared upon waking. We spent the next three hours trundling through the most wonderful scenery, stopping at romantic sounding highland stations before this wonderful journey ended somewhat prosaically alongside Morrison's in Fort William.

Day Two

I would stake ready money on the fact that a significant proportion of visitors to Fort William arrive by sleeper train. This makes it all the more bizarre that our hotel was so intransigent when it came to checking in. This was not possible they assured us, under any circumstances before 3pm. Any circumstances. The train had berthed at 10am so there we were, less than twenty minutes later in the lobby of the Clan MacDuff Hotel failing to check in. They could look after our cases but that was it. Even in normal circumstances having over four hours to kill would be annoying, but because the hotel was a mile or so out of town it was necessary to take a taxi there and back it felt like a wasted journey. This is even before you factor in the rest of our day's itinerary.

We're booked on the Jacobite "Hogwarts" Express, which leaves Fort William for Mallaig at 2pm. We can't check in until 3pm. Okay we say, we'll check in when we get back from dinner. That's fine, they say, as long as that's before 10pm. However, the Jacobite doesn't get back to Fort William until after 8pm so we end up making a special trip back to the hotel just to check in before going out again to eat. We did, briefly, consider the option of eating at the hotel, but the restaurant only opens between six and eight. Really.

After a moment's staring at the loch across the road we resolve to spend the intervening hours in town and reception calls us a taxi. Just as we're beginning to wonder about Scottish hospitality, a Very Helpful taxi driver takes us to the heart of Fort William's main drag and points out several options for lunch and after a bit of a wander round, we end up at the Ben Nevis bar for perfectly tasty meal and some pretty good beer too.
The weather, I should say at this point is Hot, heatwave hot.

The Jacobite express to Mallaig is on many a "top ten" rail journeys list, and rightly so. The landscape of the "Road to the Isles" is beyond spectacular and travelling through it on a steam train is just perfect. Crossing the Glenfinnan Viaduct we can see crowds of people on the opposite hill aiming, it transpires, for the perfect shot of said Hogwarts Express as it passes by, ignoring in large part the monument to the Jacobite rebellion in the valley below. There's a few minutes to take a breather at Glenfinnan station and a quick look around the small museum before we head off again for Mallaig.

This west coast port turns out to be somewhere you go to get somewhere else - there's not much to do on such a visit as ours, although we later see an advert for a short sea safari that guaranteed to be back in time for the return train. Our wait is eased by some fat crab sandwiches and a cream tea of epic proportions. It is spoilt by an awful busker operating from the boot of his car opposite the café.
The return journey is naturally just as beautiful but the heat is now exacerbated by regular hot smuts from the engine being blown in through the necessarily open windows. We're starting to flag a bit now and we have yet to make the trip back to check in. We take the chance to change and freshen up before another taxi to the curry house we had booked earlier. I had a very decent chicken dansak but my companions were left raving about the quality of their various lamb dishes. One of the best curries we've had was supremely enhanced by the view over the loch. By the time we had finished eating it was approaching 11pm and it was still not dark. Just time for a nightcap before turning in. Thankfully we'd had the foresight to buy a bottle of Bunnahabhain from Morrisons for the purpose. It was still light when we turned in.

Day Three

Day three is Distillery Day One. The driver I had booked for the two days arrived as promised at 8.30am and we set off for the furthest distillery of the day, aiming to work our way back via Blair Athol and Dalwhinnie. After a pleasant drive through the stunningly beautiful landscape skirting the Cairngorms, we arrive at Edradour near Pitlochry.
Edradour is charming. Set in the small valley of the burn that feeds it, it looks like the sort of thing Disney would build if asked for a typical, Scottish, Olde Worlde distillery, all white walls and red paintwork, everyone in kilts and some of the finest whisky around. By now we were becoming very clear on the "how" of whisky production so when it came to our second stop of the day we headed straight to the bar. The Blair Athol distillery bar is a fine thing. Made from an old copper still and staffed by a very knowledgeable young woman who guided us expertly through a six dram tasting. (By the by, the Blair Athol distillery is in Pitlochry, not Blair Atholl a few miles away).

We had had a mild panic as a booking misunderstanding had become apparent - I had assumed that Stephen, our driver, was going to make any necessary arrangements but he had believed I was making them. A quick bout of googling reassures all that appointments were not always necessary and there are plenty of places to visit anyway. We lunch in Pitlochry. When we return to the car Stephen is redeemed as he has made arrangements for us to join the last tour of the day at the otherwise booked up Dalwhinnie distillery, the highest in Scotland. A fairly uneventful tour was enlivened by a tour leader approaching the nether end of her tether and an assistant of the less than helpful variety. It had clearly been a long day. Interestingly, Dalwhinnie had chosen to match their various expressions with handmade chocolates and not entirely unsuccessfully either.

That night we dressed up for dinner at the Lime Tree restaurant and art gallery and very good it was too.

Day Four

Today is to be spent on Speyside. After the previous day's non-booking misunderstanding, I had spent some of the evening checking and revising our proposed itinerary. It meant two things - one, we would not be able to visit the Speyside Cooperage, principally because it was shut, and that a visit to Aberlour was unlikely to be possible as tours were restricted owing to some remodelling work. A quick conversation with Katie, a friend and part time distillery guide, confirmed this. Despite this last minute chopping and changing, a suitable programme was worked out and a great day was had.

First stop is still Cragganmore, a bit more than a mile from the main road despite what the sign says. Again we opt not to take a tour, even though we had thought about their interesting food matching tour, it was still early and none of us were hungry enough. We settled on a full tasting in the shop and are suitably impressed. Impressed enough to spend a substantial amount on one bottle and a staggering amount on another. Our enthusiasm gets us a view of their stills anyway as they have very unusual flat tops and we ought to see them.

The next destination is Dufftown, putative capital of Speyside with a specialist shop, seven distilleries and a museum. On the way we pass the cooperage and stop for pictures anyway before rolling up Dufftown's main street to our first stop, the museum. Quaint doesn't even begin to describe it. Occupying a single shop front, it barely qualifies as a museum but does have a good number of antique whisky-making accoutrements and ephemera all presented by a delightfully enthusiastic and friendly woman who also points us to the local Costcutter as the best place to buy our whisky. She is right, it has almost as many whiskies on sale as the specialist shop and many at lower prices.

We decide to take lunch just outside Dufftown at Glenfiddich which is all super corporate polish but has a very decent café with whisky pairings for their menu. We all order the burger with its suggested dram of Glenfiddich IPA (for a separate, brief review see Will it Mac?). We're not too bothered about the rest of their products but look round the shop anyway before heading off again.
Final stop of the day is The Glenlivet, deep in the countryside, where after a wander around their very smart museum cum display and a quick tasting we are officially "Whiskied out". At least for now. We are all a bit jaded as we are driven back to the hotel where we wave a cheery farewell to Stephen and get ready for dinner at "The Geographer's".

Day Five

We awake to a change in the weather. No longer hot and sunny, it has turned quite dramatically and is now wet and windy, grey and misty. Which is a shame, because today's plan includes a boat trip on Loch Linnhe. After breakfast, something the hotel is pretty good at, we check out and get a taxi to the station to leave our bags in one of their very large lockers. While there my phone rings; it's the boat operator - 'were we still coming?' they ask. We confirm that we are and will be there before too much longer. The weather appears to be easing a bit but it's still not ideal by a long chalk.

"Souter's Lass" is an old Royal Naval tender that worked on the South Coast as "Bournemouth Belle" before operating as a ferry between John o’Groats and Orkney from 1980 to 1987. She now runs cruises on Loch Linnhe and thankfully has a sheltered, downstairs bar offering many things, but today the hot chocolate is most welcome. The mist clears quite well as we set off and we can see everything our guide talks about, with the added bonus of a sea eagle seen flying down the loch. Just before Corran, we turn back towards a rocky island where a colony of seals basks, as best it could. The skipper expertly approaches the isle and we get fantastic views of the creatures.

Handily, the boat is operated by the same people who run the very popular seafood restaurant on the pier and our lunch booking meshes neatly with the end of the trip. The restaurant doesn't disappoint with some excellent seafood nicely washed down with a bottle of Picpoul.

After lunch we head for our last distillery of the trip, the Ben Nevis distillery on the outskirts of Fort William under the shadow of its namesake. It's a much more industrial affair than the others we'd seen and, although the weather is not helping, it has an air of disappointment about it. Almost all its output is snapped up by its Japanese owners, leaving too little to market anywhere but at the distillery itself. It's nice enough, and its rarity is tempting but we resist adding to our seven bottle haul.

A last visit to the Ben Nevis pub is absolutely called for before picking up some picnic items for the journey home.

We get to an unnervingly deserted station but we're early so don't panic until Sarah notices the screen says our train is "cancelled", not 'late' or 'delayed' but "cancelled", and there's no-one there to explain themselves. Eventually someone is coaxed out of the back of the ticket office to tell us that the train broke down on Friday and they haven't managed to sort a repair or replacement in the intervening two days. We were to be ferried to Edinburgh by coach where we would wait for the Inverness section of the train to join. A three hour coach journey, a three hour wait at Edinburgh Waverley before we could board (and sleep), but we would get to Euston on time. Hooray. Grrr. The coach journey is horrendous and only briefly lit up by passing through the always stunning Glen Coe. The journey through the Trossachs is beautiful but coaches make me queasy at the best of times and this road is very twisty-turny. Eventually arriving at, or rather near, Waverley station to endure the further long wait until we finally board the train at nearly 1am. We do indeed arrive at Euston on time but its a fairly rag-tag bunch who fetch up at Waterloo for the SW Train back to Fratton.

We have since agreed a compensation package for our homeward journey troubles.

Carbon saved: 112.5kg

Berlin

November 2018

It's perfectly possible to get to Berlin by tea-time but after this trip we're left wondering if it's worth it. Not Berlin, Berlin is fantastic, but undertaking the journey in one hit. The trip from St Pancras, via Brussels and Cologne, is easy enough but it's very long and not very interesting. Next time we fetch up in the German capital it will probably because it's a convenient stopping point between two other destinations on a much slower perambulation around Europe.

That said, we set off for Berlin at 3:40am on a Thursday morning. By taxi. We wanted to get there in the early evening if possible and the 6:47 Eurostar allowed us to do just that, but meant either staying overnight in London or the cheaper option of a pre-booked taxi and a 3am alarm as there are no trains from Fratton that early. The car journey was as smooth as one could have hoped and we arrived at St Pancras an hour ahead of last check-in and very calm.
I was a little worried when booking about the Deutche bahn "print at home" through ticket because it only had one name on it, but a call to the DB helpline was quite reassuring and when I waved the piece of paper at the gate we were issued with official boarding passes (which no-one looked at again) and ushered through security.
The security area has changed since we were last there; there's still the x-ray machine with people faffing about because they hadn't prepared, but after that, passport control has become mostly automated. Actually, that's British passport control because the French are still using uninterested looking officers in booths for the most part.

After an eternity watching an advert for the new Harry Potter franchise film on every screen on a 5 second loop, we finally board our train. It's our first time on one of the new Eurostars, and while there are more facilities (like a charging point at every seat), despite the illusion of more space it still feels a little more cramped than absolutely necessary. By now though, for us, it's just a means to get to Europe and not the exciting new adventure of our first trip. A brief stop at Lille and we're soon in Brussels.
Annoyingly the escalator directly down to through trains is still out of use, presumably for some misguided security reason, so the transit to our ICE to Cologne is more rushed than ideal but we make it with a few minutes to spare and settle in.

The Brussels/Cologne ICE is fast - around 300km/h at times, and much more comfortable. We grab a coffee from the chap with a tray (proper coffee, not SWT Nescafé) and eat some of our packed lunch (it's still only elevenses really). The transfer at Cologne is much more relaxed and we have time to buy a delicious roll before climbing up to the platform. The Berlin train is bang on time although the carriages are numbered in reverse of expectations sending everyone scurrying to the opposite end of the platform from where they were waiting. The journey itself is not desperately interesting once beyond Hannover, and some five hours later, an hour after sunset, we roll into Berlin Hbf the biggest station I have ever seen - it's like something out of Metropolis with criss-crossing tracks on multiple levels.
A taxi whisks us to our apartment hotel near Checkpoint Charlie. Our room turns out to be more of a suite with a kitchenette, very comfortable, well-equipped and frankly a bargain.

Our friend Carrie has recommended a Bavarian style beer hall which is nearby so we head out in search of dinner and (of course) beer. On Charlottenstrasse, near the twin churches and concert hall, is Augustiner am Gendarmenmarkt looking suitable popular and full at seven in the evening but they find us a table and half a litre of beer disappears fairly quickly. We go for the "full German" to eat. Following a delicious fresh pretzel and mustard, we are delivered a sharing platter piled high with sausages, meatloaf, roast pork, crackling, dumplings and meatballs mounted on a bed of sauerkraut, and another beer or two. We, unsurprisingly, forego dessert and stagger back to the hotel for a welcome sleep, grabbing some breakfast from Lidl on the way.

Friday

The hotel has a small spa in the basement and after a refreshing swim/jacuzzi we head out.
Just around the corner is the Checkpoint Charlie museum. Checkpoint Charlie was the best known crossing point of the Berlin Wall (1961-1989) and this museum documents the post war history of Germany leading up to its construction and the many and varied attempts to cross the wall to escape to the West. It's a bit of an overload on the senses as the displays are packed in a warren of rooms, but it's fascinating to see part of your own history from the point of view of those who lived it rather than watched it on the news. It's housed in a building close to the original guardhouse and opened only two years after the wall went up, an analogue live-tweet of history perhaps.

By now we are in desperate need of a coffee so we are on the look out for something suitable as we head towards the Jewish Museum. At the bottom end of Friedrichstrasse a housing development the other side of a children's park has a massive elephant painted on its wall and there's a good looking coffee shop across the street. One milchkaffee and sly apple cake later and suitably refreshed it's off to the Jewish museum with its intriguing architecture and sensitive displays of Holocaust artefacts; household items left behind by those murdered by the Third Reich. Upstairs in the old building is an exhibition about Jerusalem, at once interesting and frustrating for the non-religious.


We have lunch in the café of the nearby modern art museum, a really nice organic salad, before taking in the exhibition featuring modern German art and a special display of the Novembergruppe. It's always an interesting time spent in galleries showing how a country tells its story in its art. It also gave me an idea for our own art collective (Fire Monkey Arts).

By now we're getting tired so decide to call it a day and go back to the hotel, passing the Bush/Gorbachev/Kohl memorial, for a rest before another night at Augustiner's for a massive schnitzel. And although the schnitzel was more than substantial, with schnitzel there has to be strudel. It's the law. A couple of beers to wash it all down.

Unter den Linden and the Brandenburg Gate is not far, so we wander over. The wide boulevard is having new U-Bahn tracks and station laid under it so the overall effect is rather diminished but you still get a sense of its grandeur. The Gate itself looks its best at night and we're glad we made the effort even though the surrounding buildings have encroached on its space way too much making it look smaller than you imagine, especially in daytime. A busy day over we head back to the hotel. The habitual stop at Lidl for some breakfast provisions precedes a very good night's sleep.

Saturday

We are led to believe there's a flea market by Friedrichstrasse station with its impressive glass canopy but despite searching all around the station we can't find it and decide to carry on our way to Museum Island where we come across ... a flea market! A street full of interesting bric-a-brac, vinyl records and vintage clothing occupies the bank opposite the museums and on quite a chill morning we are also glad of the gluhwein on offer.
The Museum Kart we bought the day before gets us into the Bode Museum on the point of Museum Island. The Bode houses an eclectic collection of sculpture, Byzantine, Rennaisance and Gothic art, as well as a collection of altarpieces, coins and medals. Currently it has a fantastic exhibition of non-European art and makes interesting comparisons between it and so-called high art, asking the important question 'why is non-European art dismissed (even if it's admired) as "Tribal Art"?' something that needs a much wider platform.
The Bode also has a nice café where we lunched before heading off.

Further down the bank from the flea market is an art market which is great for a wander and views of the massively impressive cathedral. Crossing the bridge back onto Museum Island we headed for the Neue Museum, home to the city's Egyptian collection including the object of our visit, the world famous bust of Queen Nefertiti. There are many "world famous" artworks but only a few make your heart truly sing and the Nefertiti is one of those. It is exceptionally beautiful and well worth going to Berlin just to see it.

We're a bit tired now so a boat trip down the Spree appeals. Our bearings aren't completely true yet so we walk further than absolutely necessary to find the right pier but we do and an hour and a half of entirely German commentary later, but suitably relaxed, we head back to the hotel, pausing only to pick up the Chagall lithograph we'd bought for my birthday from a rather nice antiquarian book and print seller on the Gendarmenmarkt.

We have about an hour to rest before dinner at Charlotte and Fritz's, a rather good restaurant we'd booked ahead of our trip. We like at least one pamperful dinner when abroad and this certainly doesn't disappoint, beautifully cooked and presented dishes in elegant surroundings.

Sunday

Being suckers for a good market we get on the S-Bahn and then a tram, passing a significant section of the Wall left up as a memorial, to the Sunday Fleamarket at Mauerpark. The weather's turned a bit damp and the market space is not fully occupied but it's still big enough for a couple of hours worth of browsing and has every imaginable food truck outlet available, including an "Eastern" hot, spicy, milky drink which I initially can't drink it's so hot and certainly can't finish because it's quite unpleasant. Sarah is convinced she saw a different market from the tram and after peering up a couple of side streets in the increasing rain, there it is; the Arkonaplatz market full of the most amazing vintage and 'retro' furniture, fixtures and fittings alongside more regular bric-a-brac. The rain is getting quite heavy now so after exhausting all on offer we head back, picking up some food from the supermarket at the station. By mid afternoon we're back at the hotel and disinclined to go out again. We spend the evening relaxing, cooking and eating a very nice pasta meal, drinking a good bottle of Austrian red wine and watching British telly.

Monday

It's our last day and it will centre around our pre-booked slot at the Reichstag. First up however is the neon-green fronted, not at all hidden, Spy Museum. This turns out to be well worth the visit, more so if you are with younger travellers, chock full of history and interactive displays charting the course of the dark arts of espionage through the ages. There's an elaborate diorama of the "Bridge of Spies" made famous by the Tom Hanks film, code-breaking puzzles, and a dressing up booth! The only odd thing is that upon leaving (through the gift shop, naturally), you have to go back in the main entrance to retrieve bags and coats from the lockers.


There's a massive shopping centre across the road which includes a tube slide from second to ground floor. Wandering through we fetch up at Friedrichstrasse and the Christmas shop we'd seen earlier in the trip. Gifts duly purchased and lunch beckoning, we make our way along Unter der Linden, through the Brandenburg Gate, towards the Reichstag, scouting out the entrance before finding a nice café in the park opposite. It's a hot buffet and the day is warm enough so we sit outside with our meals and beers marvelling at the fattest sparrows either of us have ever seen.

Timed entrance tickets to the Reichstag have significantly cut the queues we had been warned about and our party are soon in the lift up to the dome. It's quite a spectacular structure and the views in the gathering gloom are still impressive.

Our daughter had stayed in Berlin a couple of years ago and recommended we visit the Schwulesmuseum, It's our last afternoon so we decide that's where we'll finish. Looking at the map it seems not far the other side of the Tiergarten but the park is larger than it looks and it takes a while to cross. On the way we pass the Soviet war memorial and a large equestrian statue in its own clearing, and quite a thirst is worked up. The museum itself is a history of LGBT activism and persecution and thankfully has a very nice coffee shop. It's along way back to the hotel and we're out of cash - there's no direct transport route anyway, so we drag our weary feet back past the art installation that has marked "nearly home" for us during our stay. Dinner is at Maximillian's, a slightly smarter version of Augustiner's, which includes a massive salad, another schnitzel and, of course, beer.

Tuesday

I've had the foresight not to book a desperately early train so the morning is not a mad rush, our taxi gets us to the station in good time and our journey back is as uneventful as our journey out, save for the excitement of spotting the Wuppertal suspension railway, and it's not long before we're back in Cologne, then Brussels and the Eurostar back to London. Once again the train from Waterloo is delayed and the arbitrary nature of UK platform allocation precipitates the usual mad rush for seats when the train eventually arrives and less than two hours later we are home.

Carbon saved by not flying: 140kg

Practical tips for Eurostar travel

Having travelled by Eurostar more than a few times now,  I've picked up a few ideas about how to make experience pass as smoothly as possible. Here are my top ten tips for travelling from London:

1. Firstly, if you're travelling from another UK mainline station you can book a through ticket via the Eurostar site (eurostar.com). This will almost certainly save you money, possibly lots of it. Just click on the United Kingdom tab when searching and find your local station. 
2. On arrival at St Pancras the Eurostar terminal is well signposted and there's a nice sized area outside the barriers to gather yourselves. Here you will also find the help desk and the collect at station ticket terminals. There are quite a few gates and they'll have particular trains showing on the screens above them but you can use any that are open if the queues are shorter. (Update: the queueing system has changed a little since Brexit and the pandemic so is actually now a little smoother)
3. BUT before going any further get yourself ready for the security check the other side of the ticket barrier. There's very little room once through the gate so empty your pockets now. If you have a coat you will have to take it off for the check so put all your loose items; phone, coins, keys, wallet etc., in its pockets, otherwise put it all in your hand luggage or even a carrier bag. 
4. Have your tickets and passports ready. If you've printed your own tickets you'll need to have the QR code showing so you can press it up against the reader on the barrier - this takes a couple of seconds so don't take it off until the light goes green and the barrier opens.
5. The security check area is, as I said, immediately after the gate. Hopefully you'll have read and acted on point 3 and are completely ready to proceed. You'll need a tray. They are kept under the conveyor so grab one and put your coat in it with your bags on top. If you've got a suitcase get another tray for that and push them up towards the x-ray machine. Walk through the metal detector and collect your belongings from the other end of the belt. Remember to push your trays towards the end where they'll get swallowed up and sent back to the start. Not doing this annoys other people. Move away towards passport control before even attempting to put all your stuff back where it belongs but preferably wait until you get all the way through. The checks are much less onerous than at the airport but getting ready cuts time and allows a brief smug smile to pass across your lips.
6. This is not really a tip but there are two passport checks, UK and France, out and in, and of course your passport is already in your hand by now isn't it? Join the right queue - all windows will take EU passports, only one or two will take non-EU ones (edit: sadly that is now the window you want). Hand it over open at the appropriate page and wait politely. Try to avoid getting in the queue behind the thoroughly disorganised person with at least two massive suitcases because there's always one.
7. When you get through to the waiting area you can finally reorganise yourself at your leisure. You won't need your ticket again but make a note of which coach you are in and check the screens for boarding notices. There are two travelators up to each of the platforms and getting the right one will depend on your coach number. Incidentally, coach 1 is always nearest the exit in London, while coach 18 (or 16 in the new e320 trains) is always nearest in Paris - useful to know if you've got a tight connection.
8. Once it's announced that your train is boarding, people will rush. Everyone has a reserved seat and there's plenty of time so rushing seems unnecessary, but if you have a large case you'll need space on the luggage racks by the entrance doors to your coach. However, there's usually another rack just inside the carriage and medium cases will fit in the above seat racks so assuming you aren't the person with two massive cases getting in everyone else's way, you can confidently saunter along and take your seat once all the hullabaloo has died down. 
9. Going to Brussels? Look out for the escalator halfway along the platform at Brussels Midi if you're making a connection for an onward train, it'll save you time and hassle.
10. Exiting Gare du Nord Paris is just like any other regular station, but when coming back it has one of the most uncomfortable waiting areas going, so try not to get there too early!

Overall, travelling by Eurostar is quick and hassle-free and hopefully these tips will aid restful travelling. 

Any comments, thoughts or suggestions, even corrections are most welcome.